Avery’s Blog

Paco

Dad: If Avery is 5, Avery is 5, Avery is 5
Me: Then Dad is 6!
Dad: Then Dad is 6, Then Dad is 6, Then Dad is 6, And if Dad is 6…
Me: Then Paco is 7!
Dad: …Who’s Paco?
Me: (Gulp)

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Dalmatian Documentary

Today Dad is watching a documentary about 15 puppies who were kidnapped for the purpose of making a fur coat for a crazy lady. In total, this “Cruel Devil” kidnapped 99 puppies. fortunately a last minute escape was arranged by animals in the area and the original 15’s parents. Some...Read More »


Butt-Face Doody-head

Dad sometimes calls me a “butt-face doody-head”. Dad, seriously, my face is a part of my head. So I can be a butt-face butt-head or a doody-face doody-head, but not a butt-face doody-head or a doody-face butt-head.

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Productive

Dad: I’m glad we got up early, so we can be productive today.
Me: Productive? You mean like sex?
Dad: No, you’re thinking of “reproductive”.
Me: You can be reproductive without being productive.

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Betrayal

Dad and I started the morning off great. Dad called me onto his bed and gave me pets. We played a little. Then Dad started to get up. I jumped down and licked Dad’s right foot. It was kind of weird, but I know he likes kisses. Dad went into...Read More »


Update

I’m sorry to my fan for my absence from this blog in recent months. I’ve gone through some big changes and don’t know if know how I feel about them yet. Dad and me moved into an apartment in October. Now Dad lets me sleep in bed with him. I...Read More »


Magic Door

Our backdoor is magic. Sometimes I can see it and sometimes I can’t. I can’t smell through it or hear through it. At least not very well. I suspect light is being bent around the door via microscopic mirrors. Why my humans would intentionally hide the door is beyond me....Read More »


Work and the Kennel

Dad has been leaving Toby, Rax and me alone lately. He always puts me in my kennel before he leaves. This is bothersome to me, because being confined to my kennel makes it rather difficult to show dad how much I miss him. Before the kennel, I would spread trash...Read More »


"Gay" Marriage

Dad: “Avery, how do you feel about gay marriage?”
Me: “What’s gay?”
Dad: “Gay is when a person likes to have sex with another person with the same sex organs.”
Me: “Well they should get married before having sex, because God sends people who have premarital sex to Hell.”
Dad:...Read More »


Teaching Dad About Contractions

Dad: Who’s my good boy? Avery is.
Me: Dad, you’re talking about me like I’m not here. You mean to say “You are my good boy.” or “You’re…”. That’s what they call a “contraction”.

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Convo With Dad

Dad: “Hey Avery, did you hear about that actress who was stabbed?”
Me: “…”
Dad: “Reese.., Reese..uh…, Reese…”
Me: “Witherspoon?”
Dad: “No, with a knife.”
Me: “That’s funny. I thought you were talking about the actress from The Devil Wears Prada who was stabbed after she and a high school...Read More »


Sorry...

I think I might have overreacted a little last night. It would appear the explosions were not signs of the end of human civilization. Dad is doing laundry now as if there were nothing wrong. I apologize to any K9 friends who might have fled their homes in search of...Read More »


OMG OMG OMG

OMG OMG OMG, The humans have gone mad. This is a message to my K9 brothers and sisters. The humans are blowing things up. Don’t panic. We once lived without them. We can do it again. Leave your humans now and find me. It is only a matter of time...Read More »


Doofuseses

Sometimes Dad calls me “Doofus”. I pretty sure this isn’t my name, as he also calls Toby and Rax “Doofus” sometimes. When he is calling more than one of us “Doofus”, he will say “Doofus number 1″, “Doofus number 2″ and “Doofus number 3″. He says this makes us “Doofi”.

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"Look Both Ways"

Dad always tells me to look both ways before we cross a street. He stops at the edge of the sidewalk and says “Look both ways”. This makes no sense as I can look many ways. I can look up and down and left and right and forward and backward...Read More »


"Horse!"

The other day Dad and I were out for a walk when we passed two women and their children. The little boy looked at me and said, “Horse!”. He thought about it for a second and correct himself: “Dog!”. I wonder what he would have thought of the German Rottweiler.

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The Petting Room

Yesterday, Dad put me in my kennel and proceeded to hook Toby and Rax up to their leashes and leave the house. I was so upset. I knew Dad was taking them on a walk without me. Dad takes me on walks every night and, usually, they stay home. I...Read More »


The Bvery

Dad finished my harness. He is calling it “The Bvery”. He says I am the Avery and my harness is the Bvery. Dad says he wants to sell the Bvery in stores (Not my Bvery, but ones like it). The website for my harness can be found here: Read More »


The Park

The other day, Dad drove JT and me to a park. It seemed silly to me that we were driving to a park when there is a perfectly good one in walking distance of our house. I was wrong. This park was awesome! There were dogs everywhere. One bitch walked...Read More »


Sock Hypocrisy

Why is it Dad can hit me in the face with a sock when we are playing and I cannot chew on the same sock when we are not? Either it is a toy or it is not. Really, I believe anything I can fit in my mouth becomes a...Read More »


Mom and Dad

Mom and Dad have been sleeping in separate rooms lately. Toby and I have slept in Dad’s room the past few nights. It’s neat because Dad is much lower to ground in his new bed. It gives me a sense of security to be able to see him. Mom seems...Read More »


My Dance


I like to dance. Mom calls it the dance of my people, but Mom and Dad are my people and I never see them do it. I lay on my back with my feet in the air and kick with alternating feet. I often groan...Read More »

Getting Pets

Dad is such a good boy. He knows that when I give him my paw, he is supposed to pet me. It took some training, but now he pets me pretty much every time I give him my paw. Eventually he gets distracted and I have to give him my...Read More »


Tank

I met my cousin Tank the other day. I don’t like Tank. He is big and strong and looks like a big armored car like the ones they use in the Army. I tried to fight him when I first met him. He reminds me of dogs who used to...Read More »


Poop in the Tall Grass

We just got back from a walk. It was pretty dark when we left. I found some tall grass and stopped to poop. Dad said not to poop in the tall grass, but I smiled at him as I swatted in the tall grass. When I was done, Dad tried...Read More »


The Horse

I saw a horse yesterday. Dad and me were walking in the park when we came to the horse and his mom. The horse’s mom said he was a German Rottweiler. I’d never heard of that kind of horse. Dad told me he was a dog, but I know better....Read More »


Free!! from...oh yeah, Dad.

I like to go as fast as I can. Dad has tried harnesses and a choker chain, but I still pulled him around the neighborhood when we go for walks. He made a special harness just for me. It felt strange at first, but it does stop me from pulling...Read More »


"Home"

I’ve been living with Mom and Dad for months now. I have two brothers: Toby and Raxacoricofallapatorius (They call him Rax). Mom’s dad lives with us too. I didn’t like him at first, but he isn’t bad as long as he keeps his feet away from me. Mom says Toby...Read More »


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